My Life’s Journey so far

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  • Sleep 😴

    Oh my goodness is my sleep messed up at the moment.. My brain will not switch off!

    Keep thinking about everything with this guy I like too much for my own good. At what point did he decide I wasn’t interested? Why do I see everyone around me being pursued hard and so much effort being made. Then there’s me where enough to make me wonder is put out like breadcrumbs and if I don’t then make all the effort then ‘poof’… gone. My situation is clear to them but theirs isn’t to me so for goodness sake, just be clear with me! Tell me! Or is the nothing because I was so off about what I thought I saw? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I suppose I have to assume so.

    No wonder my sleep is messed up 🙄

  • I don’t see a way back…

    Haven’t written for a while and I have realised so manybtjings in that time, or had things and thoughts further solidified. I hinestly do not see a way back from my situation. My view of people is changed to the point that if they turned around tomorrow and said ‘I see it all now. I know the truth’ I really don’t want them in my life like they were before. There is a saying ‘If someone never asked for your side of the story, the side they heard is what they wanted to believe’. Showing me that I may be a nice person (commented to me by many people, a lot if who have turned their backs on me) but people either just do not like me or they don’t like the fact I am actually genuine. Even when I don’t like someone I know it’s a ‘me’ thing and don’t feel the need to run them down or anything like that. I don’t repeat things I hear or see so no gossip from me. In short I am not entertainjng enough. There is also the fact that they are weak people who despite the whole ‘I stand up to bullies’ rhetoric, actually do not. They cower and pander to remain in the bully’s inner circle. Mind boggling..

    Recent incident was at a function where everyone was dressed up and drinking. One of the ‘crowd’ around the bully was chatty and friendly. Even gave me a real tight hug that was long. Longer than just a quick goodbye hug. Then blanked me completely when I saw them next when the bully was around. It was a ‘absolutely not’ moment for me. Either fake to try and get something to pass back (and failed btw) or thinking to keep a foot in both and that I am so isolated I will accept that. Clearly do not know me at all. I may understand due to my experience with the bully (and the driver for all of this) but I do not have to accept it.

  • Current Feelings

    In a word, angry. The urge to just open my mouth is overwhelming.

    Unfortunately it has triggered the urge to open my mouth about other things aswell which cannot happen 🤦🏻‍♀️ Problem is, the urge is strongest to say something to the person I like rather than about the person targeting me. I make vague social media posts so I am not direct, but they may be vague enough for him to not realise they are for him. I also then back out and delete them so he likely thinks I am a crazy person 😬

    I even avoided going training the other week where I knew I would likely see him to get rid of this. It didn’t work.. yet.

  • It’s been quite a while…

    I haven’t written anything for a long time, and although I feel I really needed to I had zero motivation.

    Everything has been very up and down with regards to everything in my life. I still don’t even know how to articulate it all so this may just be a bit of a ramble.

    Training hasn’t altered that much. It has become more apparent that I really slip through the cracks where care and concern are considered. I am an adult so should just deal with things as an adult. But then I see support being given freely to those that have lied and manipulated. I think people just find it easier to back down against a bully rather than stand up to the injustice. They will do anything to convince themselves that it’s not happening, even pretending that it’s not happening or it’s not that bad or even that I am the problem and it is my fault. But really they are all just cowards. I get very angry when I see anti bullying posts or hear people wax lyrical about how they ‘don’t stand for bullying’. What they really mean is, I don’t stand for bullying from someone who is physical and smaller than me who I don’t know. If these points are not checked then full coward mode kicks in. I am really looking at people so differently. But I also notice all the cracks forming and how people are behaving. Folks thinking you are stupid really works in your favour sometimes. I am kind and understand what ‘none of my business’ means. Live and let live. It does not mean I am stupid because I don’t gossip and try to see the good in people. And also understand everyone is human and we all make mistakes.

    Back to the awful woman in question who is the nucleus of all that is crap for me at training.. She has done it again with someone who I thought was a friend. In fact she has done it with the person who I liked, who I thought liked me. Although that was never going anywhere, we got along and I thought we were friends. We had a training thing the other night where we were all there and he ignored me to go and laugh and joke with her. I could see her trying it (as I have seen before) but really thought that he was just being nice as he is to everyone, until the other night. He sought her out and then stood with her. Wouldn’t look at me. I knew right then that was that. I am not competing with her and knowing how she operates, I know that I wouldn’t speak to him anymore like someone I could trust. Now all I can think about is that he will be schmoozed into revealing things about me. She is very insidious. And even if he behaves ‘normally’ the next time I see him, I will be wondering if it’s so he can find something out to pass along.

    I could be wrong and want to do something, maybe a social media post only he can see to explain it in case he isn’t fully in her clutches. But then I think, why bother, it feels very clear that he no longer cares. That I should just let it die because anything else will just end up biting me in the butt. The point is, the doubt is now there. He also won’t know he is the only one who can see the post, and may not actually see it either. I dunno, maybe distance will give me clarity.

    One thing I do know for sure, is I am the only person I can trust. And that makes me sad.

    Maybe more of a download on one specific point than a ramble about everything… Feels good to have finally crossed the line again into writing it down rather than bottling it up.

  • Training continues

    What a weekend of training it has been 🙂 Not as intense as previous sessions we have had but I have thoroughly enjoyed it. So many good things, and lots of things I know I need to work on. Some I managed to demonstrate improvement and some less so, but all still good. My patterns felt really good and I even got a lovely compliment on them from a fellow competitor who I have a lot of respect for. And he came over to me specifically to say it aswell which made it all the better.

    I did my patterns in more nerve wracking conditions today aswell and I can see a difference in my kicks specifically, which I have been working very hard on. The rest of my patterns are good, I know this, but my kicks have always needed work. Power and height, and I have been working very hard on this area. I can see the improvement though 🙂

    The dark spot of the day was being partnered with the daughter of the toxic person I have to deal with. Her clear attempt (and likely success) to convey that I am the problem was so apparent, I am sure I made a FFS face at one point. Thankfully the partnering was only two minutes, and also done on purpose aswell I feel. There is a clear reason I know this, but all it did was make me furious that this young person is trying to drive her mother’s narrative. It has been so long, and although I used to cut some slack as she is just toeing the line because of her mother, I also believe she is a young adult and should know better. Their level of lying and manipulation is astounding and I no longer have any leeway to give to her.

    It has made me realise that things will only change if I make a change so I will look for the most opportune time following our big event to broach the subject of my moving clubs. I am committed to just looking out for myself on this matter after recent events. I spend way too much time thinking about everyone else, and where I won’t go out of my way to make things difficult for others, I need to put myself first for a while to get everything on an even keel.

  • It’s Been a While…

    Almost a week since I have written anything down. I wanted to on Sunday gone but just couldn’t motivate myself. When you just feel overwhelmed with everything you want to say you just don’t know where to start.

    I have definitely realised that I have to change something with training. I cannot continue as I am.

    I have also realised that my interest in a certain person is very much not the best idea. I am accepting that it is not going anywhere fast and have resumed detatching. In a good way as he is a very good person, and hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Just in a looking at things from a different angle kind of way and that way I still get to keep a good person as a friend. Just as long as the awful toxic person at training doesn’t manage to turn him against me. She is very good at that and has done it a few times already so I am guarded even as I am friendly.

    I am also enjoying the fact that the other half of my dead marriage is away for a while. So peaceful, and I am sleeping in my own bed for a while so am actually getting some sleep. I have also been able to do some decluttering and sorting and been nice and relaxed while I am working.

    The weight of everything is still there though so motivation is hard, but I am starting to succeed in making myself move to start things.

    I know things will probably get worse in terms of atmosphere and him being a complete d**k once I have the conversation, but even if the house stuff and divorce take longer, I want to be officially seperated at the very least. I want to start using my maiden name, and if I manage to get to the point of opening my own school, I want to use my maiden name. My ‘husband’ has never trained, never been very supportive so I am 100% not using his name when I do this good thing. It is also annoying that when I compete, it is not my family name that is recorded. It should be MY name. I am me and I want to stand apart from him on this thing that is so important to me. My plan is for my belt to have my maiden name.

    Planning to force myself to move so motivation to tidy certain areas in the house will kick in. Need to make the most of this time that I have without him around to make some things better and get on top of those things I struggle to when he is around. Wish me luck 🙂

    It also means I will make a tidy area to so some crafting which I really enjoy aswell. It settles my mind, but I don’t do it at the moment because of the clutter. Once it is organised and tidy I can dip in and out when I have some time. Just the thought of it makes me a little bit happier 🙂

  • Realisations

    I had a conversation today which made me realise that I am waiting for things to improve at training, but they are never going to. In fact they are only going to get worse. The person in question is definitely comfortable being an absolute arse at training and is becoming less subtle and now trying to make it seem as though it is me a touch more openly.

    You cannot do what you have and have me act as though all is OK for your comfort. I am not concerned with ‘appearances’. If you want to appear like a good person, be a bloody good person! If you are not a good person, so not expect me to play along with your charade.

    Problem is, everyone else is buying into her BS, and clearly are on the ‘appearances’ train with her.

    I feel at the moment that if my plans to move places to train does not happen, there is a real possibility that I may just quit altogether. Which I REALLY do not want to do. However, if I believe there is no other avenue open to me, I will do it. And I will not protect anyone. If I am able to move, I will give a party line on why, as I know that the right people will know exactly why, because I will lay it out in great detail.

    Hopefully being a calm person who is able to articulate well will help me in my endeavours..

    Maybe it’s a moot point. Maybe I will have to start over somewhere else anyway because I plan to get divorced. We shall see what happens after my big event. Writing like this has definitely helped me feel stronger, I may just throw some truth grenades out there at inopportune moments. I am usually very closed mouthed so these will take even me by suprise. What I do know is, things are bubbling up.

  • 4 Days

    It has been 4 days since I have written anything down. Writing has helped so much that I have felt the difference with this 4 day gap.

    I have been training quite a lot, hard training which has been good. I even managed to punch an exceptional fighter right in the face over the weekend. That sounds aggressive but it was just TKD sparring and showed me I am actually more capable that I give myself credit for with sparring. I don’t usually have the ‘fight’ to be truly good at it, but am working on it always. Weirdly, she backed off after that where I expected her to go much harder on me.

    I have also had a couple of good social outings 🙂 Really let loose and had a good drink with a couple of girlfriends over the weekend and it was fun. There will be no more of that now until after my big upcoming event, but am planning an evening with all those I am close with. With nothing to do the day after…

    As far as the awful person at training goes, she was up to her old tricks again last week. We were both helping in the main class and she and her daughter decided to ‘help’ where our instructor asks me to help. Sauntered up like she owned the place and the face she had made sure I knew she was doing it to make me feel insignificant and uncomfortable. I edged away but not for the reasons she did it. I am making sure there is no opportunity for her to lie about me, or to directly try to make me feel like I am not good enough as an instructor. She just made herself look like the bully she is (to me at least). I know our main instructor saw them doing this aswell, except because I currently remain silent it is OK and it will be accepted. What everyone fails to see (even though I have actually said on previous occasions that I seem to ‘accept’ things.. until I don’t) is that all these instances where people are happy for me to be in this situation because it makes it easier for them not having to actually put their money where their mouths are regarding bullying (which is not always physical) and they can convince themselves all is OK. All that does is tell me that my potential future plans are looking more and more like the right thing for me to pursue. A conversation with someone who can actually make my plans happen is definitely going to happen as long as things are as they are.

    The narrative was previously that what I am thinking as a solution would not be possible or available to us, but I have serious doubts that this is actually true. The point is, I have nothing to lose. If I get to the stage where I feel that my only option is to leave altogether then there is no reason not to have the conversation. The worst that can happen is that I have to leave, but it will ensure that the real reason is known, and if I am in that position I will tell anyone who will listen exactly why I am going. I will remain silent if I am allowed to transfer to the other club. Not as blackmail, I wouldn’t even voice it during the discussion, but I would feel compelled to keep it to those need to know rather than being open with everyone. It would also achieve my being able to voice my predicament, so outing the bully without making it a thing. That can only be a good thing, highlighting that this is happening. I am not big or flashy, I move how I move for me and sometimes I think that voice can be louder an d more impactful because of its quiet nature.

    Writing all this down has given me strength to consider all these changes. I do not blame my main instructor, there are circumstances that place him in a very difficult position and the sneaky nature of the bully make it almost impossible to actually do anything official. What I cannot take though is the responsibilities that have been given to this bully and the elevation it has afforded her. I can see how the manipulation has happened, but I do not think I should suffer for it as I am because of someone else’s personal circumstances. All the extra elevation was not necessary. I see why it was done, but again, I am collateral damage in a situation that has driven this that is nothing to do with me at all. Absolutely not!

    The pain of isolation where I was once accepted, liked (or so I thought) and respected because of someone’s lies is just unbearable. When I think of it in those terms I just cannot accept it. People think I am weak because I am silent and I stay but they have no idea how much strength I have to be able to do that. No idea at all. They will realise exactly who I am when I speak up. As I said, it will not be flashy or loud and dramatic but it will be powerful and something that cannot be ignored.

  • Last Few Days

    Haven’t written anything in a few days, but I am still feeling positive. I have taken control of my finances and organised things differently so I can manage it better. Having control back in one area has been brilliant.

    I also had the best night out with my good friend last night. We had so much fun and it was something I really needed. Not the usual pub visit either, we went to a concert and had the absolute best time!

    Traning problems with a particular horrid person still persist, but I am also looking at that differently. How sad to be so mean spirited in your heart to behave in that way towards someone else for no reason other than jealousy. Ridiculous jealousy too. I was at training a couple of nights ago and she was being passive aggressive to make me feel crap, all it did was highlight what an absolute awful person she is. I just kept looking around at all the people who don’t even acknowledge me anymore and thinking that the option to move clubs is looking like the best option for me. Once the next event is over, I will broach the subject and I am also going to make it crystal clear the reason why is 100% this person. I am no longer protecting her with my silence. I am also going to talk on the subject of my opening my own school, with all my research prepared and ready to go.

    Wish me luck 🙂

  • Things at Home

    In addition to all my issues with certain people at training, my home life is also still just as toxic. I think once your eyes start opening to particular behaviours and you start changing and deciding that you are no longer willing to accept them to ‘keep the peace’ and making the effort to maintain whatever relationship there is, the whole world turns upside down.

    I thought what horrible timing to have to deal with a fake friend turning and the breakdown of my marriage at the same time, but it was really a by product of me levelling up and becoming less tolerant of bad behaviour. I have been told in the last year/year and a half that I have had what is termed a major ‘glow up’. Every time I move into a phase of genuinely not caring about these people and what they are about (it comes in waves) then things always seem to get worse, or something happens to create drama (always from their side). The pattern is becoming clearer to me. I noticed it and have been sort of tracking it to test my theory.

    Seeing good friends this last week and the comments they have made has made me realise that when I am feeling good, I ‘glow’ (for want of a better term) and it’s like all those people who benefitted from me having no self esteem then try to knock me back down. When something good would happen to me (before) there would always be something to take the shine off of it, it could never be celebrated as an achievement. At home it would be ‘Oh that’s great’ then some unrelated drama that would enable him to be in a mood and rant and generally divert any attention away, and the good thing would be sidelined. That way he could say he was ‘supportive’ and celebrated things, but would then ruin it with something else and not be called out on it because it was something else. I noticed those patterns too.

    The lack of support on my TKD journey I realised was because he knew nothing about it so couldn’t tell me what I should do or dispense his ‘advice’ that had to be taken. Everything else I did it was always ‘you should do this’ and not as a suggestion as it implied, because if I didn’t do it his way it would for sure not work/go wrong. But with TKD that wasn’t possible. Even my first ever competition, he wished our kids good luck and didn’t say a word to me. And he was dropping them off… when I pointed out I was competing too, he just said ‘Oh, I didn’t know’ and proceeded to still say nothing. I was going early with our youngest (different timings). If I said anything it would be ‘but you don’t need it/like having any attention drawn to you’, which is true, but from your partner it is more about the support. I won 3 golds on my first competition and when he turned up with the boys it was after I had competed so I had no support even though I was as nervous as hell. Again, if I said anything it would be ‘you didn’t tell me you wanted us to come and watch you’. I mean how obtuse do you have to be to know your wife might want some support without having to ask for it. Seriously. Clearer vision is something else because at the time I felt I would have been too needy if I asked for that basic thing.

    After dropping the oldest two, he didn’t even ask how I got on. When the children did (they could see my trophy boxes) and I told them, he didn’t even look up let alone say anything. I felt awful then, but looking back I see that it was him not liking the fact that I was doing something he knew nothing about and had started getting good at it to boot. There was an area of my life that he had no control over.

    Writing stuff down reminds me more and more of particular instances and helps me understand which helps me get stronger. I think I need to do a general piece about the situation at TKD (detailed ones seperately) as that will give me strength going into the new week to face that.

    The more I think on it the more I feel a change might be just what I need. Not TKD, I love that too much, but where I train. Timing has to be just right though.